Second but best

2012-01-25T05:54:00.000-08:00

Some nights, I feel very light. It's as if my insides are made out of bubble gum or thin glass. It's as if I am filled with helium. I feel so light, like a feather. Like if I concentrate enough, I might just be able to float and maybe fly.
These nights, I can hear myself think: different voices talking or screaming inside of my head. Each saying something different. Each wanting me to feel something. It might sound noisy or messy, but it isn't really. My brain gets tired and it shuts down after a while.
Then, my face just goes blank. The light in my eyes just disappear. No more smile.
No more life.
After a while, I can hear my heart beating really loudly. Beat by beat, it just keeps going. It's strong, unlike my person. When I am all alone, I become weak. Small.
I shut my eyes for a bit.
And if I shut my eyes long enough and concentrate, I can hear the echoes of my heartbeat from inside of me. Beating really loudly. Because my insides are gone.
No soul. No spirit. No person.
I am hollow.
I might be alive.
But that is the sound of nothingness.
I am empty.

2012-01-23T00:14:00.000-08:00

Everything's very strange today.
Have I ever mentioned how bad I am at asking for favours especially from family? Funny huh. I think it is sort of funny.
They never were familiar people. Maybe I am just the odd one out.

2012-01-22T01:08:00.000-08:00

I think what I just felt was sadness.

2012-01-15T04:51:00.000-08:00

"I'm sorry I grew up way too fast." - Akon

Hmm. I still don't have the motivation to study. It's like I have no more energy to pick up my books and start working. It's strange that I feel this way since I usually enjoy learning new things and feeling smart.

I don't know what's happening to me. This sure sucks.

2012-01-11T03:51:00.000-08:00

Excuse me, but I believe I am to be respected as an individual even if I am just a mere student to you.
You can't just go around insulting me, calling me an idiot or a moron or whatever other insults you can think of anytime you want. You are not paid to do that. You are not even paid to abuse your authority like that. You are paid to teach us and probably help us to score well. Maybe even encourage us to do better.
Hello?
We didn't even offend you or anything and you just had to treat me, actually all of us like some bunch of brainless people that do not belong here. Yea, I heard you called yourself a bitch the first time you introduced yourself to the other class but it doesn't mean it gives you the permission to treat us any way you want.
Don't know how to start? Well, let me give you a hint.
Try starting your e-mails with 'Dear' and stop using so many 'I's in your e-mails. You are not Queen of Everything, sadly. Even if you are, not everything in this world revolves around your wants and demands.
We might be students but we are individuals as well. We have our own wants and demands and standards on how we want to be treated. We don't ask for much. We are not unreasonable. We just don't want you to keep insulting us and being so hypersensitive about every single thing. You are being a bully, not a teacher.
You are misusing your rights and I really hope you will stop and wake up from your delusional dream that you can order people around and escape it.
Face it.

And as I quote you, "Suck it up."

2012-01-05T03:13:00.000-08:00

If you leave me questions on formspring, you check out my formspring account for my reply: http://www.formspring.me/thisisatypogirl . None of the other social media things are working or posting the questions now, for some odd reason. Sorry for the inconvenience!
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Drawing random birds on my notebook. Hahaha. Wondering what I do when I am bored? I think my notebook will be full of nonsense by the end of the first semester. No motivation to do mathematics. Meh.
I was supposed to be at the airport sending Zi Yi off anyway. Geez.

2012-01-04T04:32:00.000-08:00

Today's sort of nice though I was tired most of the time.
Anyway, have you ever wondered if there was someone out there in this world... Thinking exactly the same thoughts as you, looks exactly like you and acts just the way you do?
Scary huh?
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Anyway, I thought about it and well, I guess I am going into Theatre school. I was thinking of getting a diploma over at the Intercultural Theatre Institute then head over to LaSalle for Musical Theatre. I still want my gap years after my 'A' levels though.
I really hope I know what I am doing.
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Question of the day: Should I head over to Cat Socrates to buy stuff again?

You know, we have a lot of the same fears. Yepp.

2012-01-04T04:08:00.001-08:00

That's nice to know. Thanks. At least I am not alone. :)

Something you wanna know? Just ask.

2012-01-03T01:12:00.000-08:00

Today's sort of in slow motion and everything. The day is passing by so slowly.
Maybe it is because I was doing my literature homework and all that but still. I look at the sky and the clouds seem to be on stand still.
Strange.
Anyway, I think 2012 is going to be a strange year for me.
Strange is fine, just don't give up on me.

2012-01-02T02:49:00.000-08:00

I think I am a total coward, really.
I am scared of a lot of things. I am scared of sharp objects. I am scared of disappointing people. I am scared of not being loved. I am scared of being not good enough. I am scared of being scared all the time. I am scared of not being able to live up to my name. I am scared of losing everything I have.
Lastly, I am scared of losing myself.
When you make friends, you learn new things and do new things and sometimes, you get influenced. You don't realise this at first. You just start hanging out more often and soon, you realise that you start walking like them, talking like them and maybe, even acting like them. Soon, you lose something special about yourself and become what society would deem 'normal' because you fit in with the crowd.
You know what is scarier than making friends?
Being in love.
It is the ultimate thing you can do to really. To lose yourself.
You realise you like spending time with him. You realise you compromise on a lot of things that you wouldn't with friends. You realise you like making him happy and when he isn't, you just try your best to fix it. When you fight, you always think it is your fault when sometimes, it really isn't. When realisation slaps you, it is sort of too late.
You become sort of dependent.
You might even lose the ability to cheer yourself up sometimes because he was always there to do it for you.
It scares me a lot.
What if he leaves? What if something happens to me? What if he isn't there anymore?
It might not be scary to you, when you are reading this. But when you are in a relationship after a year or two, like I am. You will realise how scary it is.
I am not even an extreme. I mean, I am not clingy or anything. I still have my own social life, chasing my own dreams and planning my own life.
But if I am to say that I am not afraid would be a bloody lie.
Maybe I should just take a break and earn my independence back.

formspring.me

2011-12-30T01:44:00.001-08:00

Ask me questions about everything. Shoot. http://www.formspring.me/thisisatypogirl

2011-12-29T04:33:00.000-08:00

Just some thoughts from this brain of mine.
I watched Wicked: Broadway Musical yesterday at the Marina Bay Sands Grand Theater.
Hmm, I cried a little near the end. To me, Galinda (with 'Ga' being silent) will always be the saddest and most tragic character of all.
1. She loves someone that never loved her back. To make matters worse, he loves her best friend.
2. She is pampered and never fully understood the world.
3. She had a lot of friends but none of them really knew her. She always seems happy and well, she must have her worries.
4. She cannot clear Elphaba's name due to a promise she made although she wanted to and thought it was the best thing to do.
5. In the end, she never fully knew the truth that the two people she loved the most were still alive.
All these secrets and lies inside that one person that was looked up to by all the citizens to be encouraging and happy all the time. Makes me wonder how she managed to do all that.
She is the one that is truly, beautifully tragic.

2011-12-17T07:43:00.000-08:00

This place was such a long time ago.
I don't know. Maybe it is just me.
(Just needed a space to talk. To myself.)
I don't know what I am doing with my life. Weird, I know. Some people look at me and think, "Hey, that girl's got everything going for her. She just has to work harder on her grades. That's all."
I don't think so though. I think I am a huge mess.
After everything I have done for the past year, I feel like quitting school. It doesn't feel like giving up to me. It feels like the best decision I have ever thought of so far, to save myself from this life. I mean, studying and graduating and going to college isn't really what I am cut out for. This route I am taking is not what I really want to be doing.
I want to learn to draw the basics of this world from my perspective.
I want to learn how to paint beautiful things.
I want to learn how to act on stage to make people laugh and cry.
I want to learn how to sing every sound I hear around me.
I want to learn how to take photographs to capture small memories.
I want to learn how to make clothes to show the world my individuality.
I want to learn how to appreciate myself and others.
Sometimes, I wonder to myself how school is going to help me. School does teach me stuff that I should probably know and yes, it does help in a way. I know getting good grades get me somewhere and I can work in amazing places. But is that what I really want?
It is ridiculous I feel so lost now, especially since I am sitting for my 'A' levels next year and my homework is piling up.
The urge to just leave is just so strong. After watching Kevin Spacey in Richard the Third and watching interviews of people I look up to on Youtube and all that just inspired me so much. I know what I want to do now.
I just don't know when I can really spread out my wings.
And fly.